Deployment was a gift....

I decided to do a final blog and wrap up what I have learned throughout this deployment. The list is long so I decided to only touch on a few things.  When we talk about personal growth there is too much lip service that goes with it and many times we don’t stop to think about what personal growth really is.  For me, personal growth is a lifelong process and a true introspective look at myself. It was something I had to ALLOW myself to do.  I had to constantly remind myself of this.  If I had not stuck to my goals I set for this deployment I am convinced that I would have come out of this deployment a bit broken.  Instead …the goal of “use positivity and…to do this with grace” was a driving force for me.

I had goals for myself, but I also had hope for my blog.  I hoped that someone, somewhere, even if only one person, would get strength, smiles or positivity from it. I have had the honor of receiving emails and messages from people I will probably never meet thanking me for the words of inspiration and encouragement along with many kind words from friends and family.  There is no way that everyone will ever know how motivating and helpful those words were.

Throughout this year, I truly saw how positivity will make changes.  Changes in a person.  I could have easily spent this whole year pissed off about being without my husband and complaining all the way through. Heck, I did some of that eight years ago with Major’s first deployment.  I knew going into this that would not get me very far and I not only wanted, I needed to do things different this time.  So, I vowed to take this as a learning challenge.  I was going to stay positive and learn as much as I could about myself and the benefits would sew themselves into my life.

Positivity.  Being positive was something I thought I was prior to this experience. I am definitely a crass and sarcastic person and always will be….but I now see I wasn’t overly positive about life. There is something very different about being truly positive.  It brings you peace.

There were times when I wanted to give up, there were times I relished in my independence.  But, overall, I accepted this experience for what it was.  I didn’t fight the fact that I was going to change.  Change would be inevitable and if I didn’t fight it I would allow the transformation to better me.

#1.  I learned that deployment permanently changes children.  They become a little more grown up, they learn to worry silently, but they also can learn to express their feelings and be more open about what hurts them.  I found that children wont say that they are sad of anxious and they wont act out those specific feelings. Children will be sad and anxious in ways that don’t match.  Children’s sadness may look like anger, fear, or excessive happiness.  Remembering this allowed me to nurture and care for my children in ways that I never thought possible.  I had to slow down and see that. I found that through loss, I have gained a relationship and bond with my children that few are ever lucky to have.  We went through ups and downs, discussed feelings, opened up, and each of us had to apologize at some point this year. But we are stronger because of it and I love that.

#2.  I learned that dogs (specifically our two german shepards) will act naughty for an entire year.  They will think it is ok to get into the trash, no matter how many times you tell them NO…. and then the minute their master walks in the door they act like obedient nice pups again.

#3.  I learned that its ok to eat out when your too tired.  That mom-guilt of another night of take out can quickly be vanished with the justification of a side of apple slices.  Mommy guilt is inevitable but reminding yourself you are doing the best you can in a situation will bring some relief.

#4.  I also learned some hard lessons in life…..I learned that there simply are people who don’t want to understand military families circumstances.  Or maybe it is that they are too busy or don’t care to.  However, my positivity allowed me to see things this way……Its ok to accept this.  It is their choice just like we have our choices.  So they can choose to not understand, and I will choose to accept that and move on.

#5. I have learned that one of the best gifts my husband has ever given me was his phrase….”carry on.”  This gave me strength.  After all what are our choices in life?  When things get tough or we just don’t want to do something we can….quite or carry on.  What will quitting give us?  Regrets, pain, loss.  But to carry on….we may be tired, we may be frustrated but things will move forward.

#6.  I learned that friends were essential to my survival.  I have the most amazing friends and they helped out when they saw I couldn’t.  My friends know when I wont ask for help and they are the type of people who will just step in and do it without waiting for me to ask.  They know there are times I still struggle with asking for help.  Like, brief get togethers or sitting and talking in the driveway…I know they have other stuff to do, but they also know that sometimes taking a short break out of life to help a friend out, pays you back ten fold.  I would not have survived this deployment without them and without those “time outs”

#7.  I learned that being human is better than being a super hero.  It is safe to say I am fairly strong willed and hard headed.  But I learned that there are times that I needed to be not tough and allow my softness to spill out.  I learned that being tough is great, but its like a pressure valuve.  Sometimes you need to let out the pressure and allow yourself to be vunerable.  Thank you Cyd for letting me do that with you. If you’re a fairly private person with your emotions finding someone you feel safe with to spill is great.

#8.  I learned that it is actually possible to love your spouse even more.  When Ry returned and was back into my arms, I thought how in love with him I am.  Then I thought maybe it was because I had missed him so, but no, as I sit here tontie and type and look at him…I am even more in love with him then ever before.  I am proud and that pride has allowed me to gain a level of respect for him becaue of our mutual need for each other in our life.

Finally, I will continue to learn about myself and search for understanding and meaning.  Because our new journey of readjusting has begun.  There are difficult times ahead and some already had.  But that is our choice, our understood sacrifice for what we believe in, what we hold tru and what we want…freedom and pride for what we have and have worked so hard to maintain.  Deployment was a gift, A gift of learning, loving and growing.

Home.......

Homecoming was amazing.  That is really the only way to describe it.  And amazing doesn’t do it justice. 

As we pulled into the parking lot of the armory we could see all the soldier's gear laying in a line to be picked up.  We could see a few patriot guardsman lining the driveway awaiting the unit’s return. There was just an excitement in the air.    

As we waited outside we had a clear view of the highway that the buses would  be coming in on. Then it happened….. In the distance we heard the sirens, then we saw the lights, then the roar of the Harley’s.  The two buses of the unit had a patriot guard escort, firetruck escort and police helicopter overhead. 

Seeing the fifteen cycles lead the buses in and the flashing lights of the police was simply awesome.  It was a hero's welcome in every sense of the word. 

At one point as the line was driving up the street, I heard Syd yell my name.  I looked over and she was weeping.  She said to me “I don’t know what is wrong with me!”  I explained to her that it was emotion, and sometimes when we have so much and so many emotions flowing through us they have nowhere to go but to burst out.  I assured her it was OK.  Seeing her so overcome with emotion and pride, swelled my heart. 

As the buses were in clear sight, I myself, couldn’t help but feel my emotions release.  He was the first one off the second bus and we locked eyes right away.  The kids spotted him immediately and took off.  Syd just held onto her daddy like she was never going to let go, and Brock was simply giddy and so happy to have his daddy home.

Once I was in Major's embrace, I found myself weeping and I recall him whispering to me..."it's over."

Smiles at Home.......

Words cannot express what it feels like to have your soldier make it to U. S. soil.  Even though he is not with us and in our home, knowing that he truly is almost home is such an amazing feeling. 

...He left last Friday and for 5 days we didn’t know anything.  Was he still there?  Had he got stuck somewhere? All we knew was that he was leaving that day to begin the travel process.....

Each day I waited I did calculations in my head…”If he leaves on this day, That flight should be this long, There may be a layover in this country, and a stop here…” Only to have another day go by and have to recalculate.  This was absolute torture and I would say that one of my bits of advice is to NOT do this, but there is no possible way to avoid it. 

..."Major said that he would turn on his cell phone once he hit the states…

As I slept this morning, my phone rang, I remember looking over at the nightstand and seeing his picture on my screen. 

...Seven days went by and I got a call.  He said….”Hi baby, we are home.”  You see, home to a soldier is our soil....

There is no way I can explain the feeling.  It was just a sigh, a deep audible sigh. Even though he wasn’t in our home.  He is home in our country.

I didn’t have the heart to wake the kids an hour and half early but as their beautiful sleepy faces emerged I told them about the call, and their smiles told the story.  They know, they know the end of this part of our journey is nearing an end. 

Pride.........

Since it is Veterans Day, I did some thinking today about what my veteran and all those serving, past and present have given me.  It is sometimes easy for me to get down about being alone while Major is deployed.  Like many military spouses, It is easy to feel like I am doing everything on my own….but if I really take a look at things, there is SO much more to be thankful for. 

So here is how I see it....this is my simple break down…. We live in a house, we can work any job we want to, we can say almost anything we want through opinion.  we are free to worship however we wish.  We can go to the grocery store and buy a selection of produce and foods that we choose.  We can decide to disagree with our country’s leaders, we can vote or not vote for whom we want.  We can walk down the street without the fear of a mine or IED blowing off the leg of our child.  We can go downtown and walk around without fear of a group driving through lighting off assault rifles.  We can raise our children without fear of the government coming into our home and taking our son from us because he needs to be trained.  We don’t have to fear that our daughter will be stolen from us and sold.

Without our men and women in uniform, these things are not necessarily protected.

Of course everyone has their own political views.  Some people don’t agree with where we are in the world and details about the war.  I could care less if you don’t agree with the wars.  That is what our uniformed service men and women protect.  Your ability to not agree with it.

Did you know that less than 1% of our nations population serve our country.  So, less that 1% for the remaining 99%.

I can recall the first time my husband was deployed and my two year old daughter and I were at the grocery store.  She was wearing a tshirt that said her daddy was in Iraq.  A couple approached us and told us that Major was a baby killer for being part of the war.  Guess what.  I didn’t take offense to the comments….honestly I didn’t.  (What I took offense to was that my daughter heard.)  Because what I had was pride.  Pride because…..my husband serves this great country so you can tell a child in a supermarket that her daddy is a baby killer. 

In other places in the world that person could have been killed on the spot for having an opinion.  Or my child could have been taken and sold because she was wearing a tshirt that said something the govt didn’t like. 

So, support veterans, support their families, support the men and women who are and have served because it means that you can sleep at night in a house, can have heat in your home because we have an infrastructure that we protect, you can wake up thirsty in the night and go get a glass of water that isn’t brown, you can send your daughter to school because she is worth it. 

Happy Veterans Day to all those serving and who have served.  Thank you for what I have in life. 

It does matter.......

Sydney is part of a select softball team and she just loves it.  This year her team participated in a tournament at Halloween time where each team dresses up and decorates their dugouts.  The girls have so much fun with it and this year was no different….just a little more special.

This year, the girls decided that they wanted to show their support to all the soldiers around the world serving our great country.  What made it extra special is that the team played “for” Major’s unit.

Each girl played “for” a soldier in the unit.  So, when they decorated their costume, they not only had their last name on it, they put a soldier’s name on it.  Sydney’s jersey said “Earleywine FOR Earleywine.”  She was very very proud to play for her daddy.

They also adopted the unit’s slogan….”Soldiers of the corn,” and went with the soldier theme.  The girls looked adorable in their little soldier uniforms.

The girls played a great tournament but more importantly they had a ton of fun that weekend.

Each girl took it one step further and wrote a letter to “their” soldier and sent the letter along with a team photo.  Major reported back that the unit was really happy about it and it lifted spirits for them.  One of the soldiers forwarded the picture to his wife….and her response was forwarded to me…..it read:

“Thanks for the picture, and for making me cry this morning at work. 

That was a very cool thing for the girls to do!" 

Not only was the weekend fun, but I think of the impact the girls had and didn’t even realize how they were paying it forward.  They made a military wife, who was missing her husband, someone they don’t even know and will probably never meet…..they made her smile…….Now that’s worth everything.

Darkness or Light?

Ruin and Recovery are both from within.

 I choose to remain positive and overcome the fails of absence.  My other option is to fall into negativity and allow darkness to shadow everything.  The choice is clear.

What a couple weeks I have had.  They certainly tested my strength and resolve.  A family member became very ill from his struggle with the demons of addiction. I was determined to support him in his positive decisions while juggling life without Major. This proved to be harder than I thought because managing life without my loved one, I realized how much harder it is to give out what you don’t get fully replenished inward.  However, the reward certainly outweighed the struggle.    

I work everyday with addicts and have been in school for the last three years for addiction, but let me tell you, there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for the time it hits home and becomes personal.  You feel with your heart and it hurts. 

I ran across this quote this week and it spoke to me.  I don't know who wrote it or where it is from, but it means so much to me this week.  I think this quote can apply to all of us in one way or another with our everyday lives.

"The darkest moments of our lives are not to be buried and forgotten, rather they are a memory to be called upon for inspiration to remind us of the unrelenting human spirit and our capacity to overcome the intolerable."

I took this and thought about it in all different aspects of my life. It can be interpreted many different ways.  I hope you are inspired by this in your own way.

When there are sad times, or hard times in our lives, we don’t want to pretend they didn’t happen or look at them negatively.  Instead, we need to try to remember we are given these times in our life for a reason.  Sometimes that reason is blurred and sometimes it will always be hidden…but there is a reason.  So the next time we face a challenge we can look back and remember how strong we really are.  We can hold onto that internal strength we know we have and keep faith that we will get through it.  Even when times seem helpless and dark, we can recall the times we have gotten through before and know we can do it again. 

We have about 25 days till Major returns home.  I look back and cannot believe he has been gone for a year.  Sometimes I amaze myself that I have almost done this all the way through without going crazy.  I have learned a few key reasons as to why I got through this with grace.  I cant wait to finish that blog and share it with you all!

Fear of the unknown.........

Sometimes I wish I were fearless.  If I were fearless then the changes that we are facing would not seem so big.  Being fearless could mean less thinking.  I am not fearless.  Instead I cherish my worry and know that it is a safe thing to have. I know deep down that my worry is a responsible and strong trait.  

Major returns in six weeks.  Everyone’s initial response is Always, YEA, that’s so exciting!! And it is…trust me; I am SO happy that he will return.    However, what many don’t understand or think about is that it is also scary.  Not scary in the BOO factor, but scary because we (as military wives) have to admit to ourselves that excitement and happiness are not the only emotions we feel about the return.  We don’t want to admit it but we feel almost an equal amount of fear and anxiousness.  We don’t want to let on to this because we don’t want to be viewed as unthankful or not excited for our spouses. 

We simply think.

Who will you be?  Will you be calloused by your days?….will you be distant?  Will the miles actually translate into a loss of connection?  Will I be afraid, afraid of your eyes?

I have fears of what life will look like. 

I have a system, a structure that I have built over the last year that has worked well for us three since Major left.  It runs smoothly and it keeps us busy.  I have control of this system and to simply give away half of that is a really hard thing to do. Of course, it is nobody’s fault.  It is simply how it is. 

 

Now the task of a new routine will have to emerge.  More trials, more errors.

And, of course, the last thing Major (and most men I know) wants is to not be needed or not receive his half back.  And to his credit he should.  I find comfort in the fact that many military spouses right now are grinning and nodding as they read this because they understand.

So, how can we turn this into a good thing?  Strength and Positivity are key here. 

I feel the solution lies in how we choose to look at things.  We are in charge of our own feelings.  We are the only ones who can make ourselves feel better or worse.  Even in the midst of a tragedy, it isn’t that “things” fault we feel as we do.  I will not give the power of my own feelings to a situation.  Therefore, patience and flexibility will become primary.

True feelings......

About a week ago, Brock said to me.  “Mom, I have to tell you something that scares me.”  I said “you can tell me anything Brock.”  So he proceeded to tell me that he feels scared sometimes because he feels like he forgot what it was like to have a daddy.  Sydney chimed in and said she felt more nervous because she didn’t know what it would be like to have a daddy again. 

It was so open and honest, almost to the point where it stung a little.  So we talked about it and talked about how that is perfectly normal and things got better.   I started to think about the beauty of children.  They don’t usually say things out of worry of what “others will think” or “how others will react”…They simply say what is on their mind and what is important to them.  They own their feelings much better than any adult could. 

 

I mean, what adult would say, “I feel like I’m forgetting what it is like to have a husband.”  Oh No, we use much more colorful and sophisticated words and phrases in order to mask our true feelings.  I mean it is much more convenient to trick ourselves into thinking that our hurt or pain isn’t as bad as it really is.  We as adults struggle many times to just simply say, “I’m scared sometimes, and I hurt sometimes”……Instead its much easier to say “I’m mad” instead of “I’m embarrassed”  Or, “I’m mad” instead of “I’m hurt”  because then we would run the risk of looking weak or feeling a little bit of pain.  What ever happened to feeling pain (even though not pleasant) because it is normal.

I suppose this is the trueness of a deployment and how it affects children and everyone involved.  I am so thankful that my kiddos feel open enough to tell me their thoughts and feelings.  I’m sure in a few years that all may change, but for today, I’m optimistic.

Major is beginning his mobilization oversight training with the unit pegged to replace his unit, so this is a big milestone in regards to our countdown.  We are entering into October, which means our last full month of his absence.

Go Big Red.........................

on the sidelines

The kids and I received tickets to last week’s Husker game and were honored as that weeks “military family.”  I have to admit, I was initially a little hesitant to go out on the field because I don’t like the attention.  But, as I thought about how neat it would be for the kids to experience something big, full of energy and exciting that is ultimately honoring their father, I knew they needed to be a part of that.  Afterall, they deserved that day.  They have gone through this year with dignity and even though they miss their daddy desperately, they have gone on with unending pride and respect for what he is doing.  Because they know that sometimes there are things bigger than us. 

message from Major....brought tears to my eyes.

The biggest surprise of the night was a pre-recorded message from Major.  I remember hearing  Brock yell in my ear as we were down on the field “its daddy!”  we looked up and there he was.  It was great.  The kids were so excited. 

Go Big Red!

Brock threw the bones on Husker Vision, Sydney waved and they felt like stars for the day.  It was so much fun.

Syd throwin bones too!

We are down to two months now.  When I say it, it seems so close, but when I try to feel it or think about it, it seems so far away.  We are all tired, worn and ready for the separation part of this deployment to come to an end.   

What a Great Day!

What we have learned..............

Ry's unit flying over

Today was the day that changed our lives as a military family forever.  Little did we know, but ten years later we would endure two overseas deployments, my husband almost missing the birth of our son, and many lessons learned.  

Just like everyone, I can still remember exactly where I was and what I was doing ten years ago.  We were living in a small one bedroom apartment for six months while we finished building our home.  I was sitting on the floor of our apartment playing with my six month old daughter. I had just finished feeding her breakfast and turned on the TV just after the first plane hit.  It seems as if the next couple hours of events happened in a matter of minutes.  My husband at that time was working for a civilian business and was out of town in Denver for business.  He was supposed to fly home that morning.  I remember not being able to get a hold of him on his cell phone and in the confusion of what was happening didn’t know if he was in the air or diverted somewhere else.  Finally, Ry called home and let us know that his flight was grounded and he was renting a car to get home. 

From that point on I watched, waited and somewhere deep inside, knew that our lives would not be the same. 

We settled into our life and I got pregnant with our son.  When I was seven month pregnant we got the call.  Ry was being activated to head over to Iraq.  I can still remember the call.  We were just walking inside from going grocery shopping and the phone was ringing.  I remember feeling uneasy when I saw it was a military call in the middle of the afternoon.  Ry left in a matter of weeks.  He was doing his train up in Kansas so we were able to drive down and see him on the weekends.  I can still feel the emotional drain each Sunday brought as we said our “goodbyes.”  We didn’t know when he would leave Kansas for Iraq and knew it could happen at any moment so we were happy to have a weekends with him, but each Sunday brought a draining goodbye.  

After a little over a month of this, we finally decided I was entering my ninth month and the Sunday goodbyes were too much. So we said our final Sunday goodbye. I got an induction date and prayed everyday that his unit would still be in Kansas and that he would be allowed to come to Lincoln for the birth.  The night before my induction his unit had not left and he called and told me that he was on his way back for the birth, but that he may have to leave at any moment.  Thankfully, Ry was able to be there for his son’s birth and spend that whole day with his new son.  The next morning, I remember quietly saying goodbye to Ry as he left the hospital room to return to duty.  I can still perfectly picture him walking out of the hospital room in his army fatigues.  Thinking how horribly surreal it was to spend a matter of hours with his new son and have to leave to serve. 

Fast forward a few weeks.  Ryan’s unit was de-activated and never did leave Kansas and they returned home.  We again, resumed to a somewhat normal lifestyle.  Fast forward seven months and his unit was again activated.  We had about a month this time to prepare.  Ryan was directed to this unit as the commander and knew he would go this time.  This was the deployment that the majority of our life lessons were learned.  Ry returned home in 2005 and we settled back into life again until this deployment.  We are now in the final chapter of this deployment and as I look back on this day I can see how many amazing ways our life has changed us.

I have a friend who is doing a paper for her grad class and she asked me yesterday about what qualities a person should possess to be successful in the workplace.  I realized my answers were what I have learned mostly in the last ten years.  They are not only applicable to the workplace but in life. We all go through trials, joys and tribulations but what you take from it and how you learn from it is what makes you better. How your character changes for the better by taking those lessons and learning from them is what makes you strong.  I replied:  Being humble and not having a sense of entitlement, communication, and a sense of humor.   

These are exactly the lessons we have learned as a family over the past ten years.   We are to be humble and serve. We are not entitled to anything….we have to work for everything we have, even freedom.  We have to communicate.  It is vital to communicate our likes, sadness, needs and pride.  It branches into everything from parenting, relationships, relating to others and being true to ourselves.  And finally, keeping a sense of humor.  When there are times that nobody can control and life throws you difficult or stressful situations that cannot be changed, we laugh.

Our flag out front of our house seems a little brighter today, because today is not a day we mourn anymore, today is a day to remember and rejoice in what we have all learned and how resilient we are as a family and a nation. I am so proud and thankful for all the sacrafices that everyday people and service men and women make for us everyday. 

Rush Week.............

Why does my home look like a frat house all the time?  I ask myself this question at least a couple times a week.  I think back and don’t seem to remember my house needing as much constant cleaning.  Hmmmmm, not sure what has happened.  I mean seriously, I have one less, messy person living in the house this year.  (Although Major would disagree with the statement that he is “messy”) So that should take away from some mess.  Right?  Then, I think, I have two kids who are now a year older and they should be able to take on one or two additional chores.  Hmmmmm, what is going on????  Maybe it is my pet peeves that drive me crazy about the current members of this fraternity.

For instance: 

·        The mascots of the house (our beloved German Shepards) shed to the point where I have stock in dyson and often wonder if I could make money knitting Shepard sweaters.  Seriously dogs, get a job and pull your weight around here.

·        My wonderful 8 year old has a phobia about allowing the toothpaste tube touch his toothbrush and freaks if toothpaste touches his hand, so he feels the need to squeeze out a length of toothpaste that makes it safe.  For him anyway, not for my counters. 

·        Oh, and my amazing 10 year old just loves her snacks so much that it is only natural after 500 redirections by mom that she still is not quite sure what a trash can is for, I mean swiss cake and granola bar wrappers must be too heavy to carry ten feet to the trash can. 

I’m thinking I should go ahead and begin an initiation process that coincides with rush week.  Here, the potential members of this house would have to either prove their worthiness through cleaning abilities or drink their weight in Sunny D. 

Oh, wait, and then I remember….  Even though I may have one less person in the house to mess it up, I realize how much having that one person around really does help with the work load.  That person may not be a stellar clean freak, but he takes on kid stuff and errands which allows me more time to keep the frat house up to code.  I have to remember to give myself a break and know that I am one person and I cannot do it all.  If the dishes have to wait till the next morning to get in or out of the dishwasher, then they can!! After all being a house manager is hard work and we all deserve to allow ourselves to be imperfect and to laugh about it.   

Ten weeks and counting.  Ten weeks still feels a ways off to get too excited about but at this point there is a glimmer of a light at the end of the tunnel.  I miss Major more than ever these days.  Getting through the next few months seems like it will need to be robotronics at this point, but hey, if that gets us there, I am ok with that. 

Faith...........

Yesterday, We were driving to Brock’s football game and Brock asked me if I remember what daddy looks like. I replied that I did and asked him if he remembered. Brock said he wasn’t sure. I reminded Brock that we keep pictures of daddy in the kitchen, living room and by his bed. Brock said “oh yea.” Funny, I know, but I knew he was leading into trying to tell me something. And then….Brock said “I know this is disappointing (he always tries to use big boy words) but sometimes I forget I have a daddy and that makes me sad because I don’t mean to”


Of course we shared a loving conversation where Brock heard me tell him that was nothing to be “disappointed” in and that daddy has been gone a very long time and that we had a “job” just like daddy had a job to do. Ours was to not sit and think about missing daddy every minute. Our job was to stay active and happy. He sighed and said he loved me.


I know it isn’t over yet, but what a year it has been so far. Our experience is unique because I feel like I have learned and lost so much. I learned that my feeling of loss was more of a “letting go with dignity.” I learned how to be more independent, face my fears and be more spontaneous.


We are stronger because of this deployment but that doesn’t take away from the pain we have had to endure. I chose to use my pain as a fuel this time.
I didn’t let anyone define who I was, what our experience was going to be like, or who I was going to be. Many people want our experience to be defined as horrible and tragic. It wasn't fun at tunes, but I knew it would be what I made it.
I allowed the process to happen and with the positive look that I tried (with all my might) to keep, I can honestly say that it has made me a better person. Such a hard experience turned out allowing me to see that positivity in life really can help keep a person glowing on the inside and not shut down. This experience changed me somehow. Something is different, I cant explain it very well. It’s not just a feeling but something a bit more solid. It tells me that things will be OK. It’s faith. Feeling this now, I'm not sure how true my feelings of faith were before, but its unmistakable now. I have faith in me, in my endurance and in my strength. I have faith in my love for my husband and family.
We have a jam packed couple months coming up before Major comes home. We have about 12 weeks. I cant believe it. Of course, this is proving to be such a slow moving time. It is time, time for us to have daddy, husband and family home again.

Heros and Villains

I got home from work today and as I was finishing up answering some emails I noticed how enthralled my son was playing with his super hero figures on the floor next to me.  I felt so happy inside.  I shut my computer and quietly sat and watched him play for the longest time. 

You see, there was an epic battle underway between the villains and heroes.  Brock would periodically smile when a villain would fall and the hero numbers grew stronger.  I asked Brock “who was winning” and he looked up at me with an innocently straight forward answer he said, “The good guys, of course.”  I thought about how differently we can all see the world and even more, how blessed I am to have a son who, through all his trials and separation, STILL believes and knows that the “good guys” will always win.

There are still good guys in the world.  Sometimes it can get so hard to remember how full your glass really is or remember in your heart that the “good guys” are still winning.  There is horrible news, sadness, loss…so many “villains” out there.  And sometimes, we can all get lost in the villains and forget to see that there are so many more heroes out there.

The heroes bring us joy and a sense of security and happiness.  I am happy today because I see how even though the villain of war took Brock’s daddy from him for a year, our devotion to install in our children the “good guy” stuff has served him well.  He knows that through the hard times and challenges, is how the good guys win.  We are so proud of our good guy and can’t wait to see him again.

sibling love

Sibling Love....seems not so lovely when Major is gone.

I have mixed feelings about summer being over.  On one hand I wish we could have more summer time together and then on the other I am completely ready for the boogers to get back in school….ok, who am I kidding.  I'm totally ready for school.  There has been several coup attempts at my house in the past couple weeks and as the last week of summer approaches the kids have decided to “see how crappy they can be to each other.”

For example:  yesterday, my wonderful daughter goes right up to her brother’s face and sprayed it with water.  (Ok, kinda funny one time…) but the problem was that she was told to stop it and put the bottle away and instead she chose to hide the bottle in a handy cache and periodically, throughout the day (when mom wasn’t around) spray him in the face at point blank range. 

Of course, she wasn’t alone, my sensitive son decided that a full body tackle would be a great get back. (secretly couldn’t blame him after too many nasal enemas) After I mustered up my best mean mom face and voice, they fell victim to their hearing problems again.   

I imagine my children’s inner monologues and have decided that Syd is a “16 year old, valley girl voice, who sneaks out every night because her mother knows nothing.  She has the deep sigh of agony every 10-15 seconds”……and Brock, well, without question “has the voice of Stewie and yes, is plotting to work at me until I die of anxiety or heartattack”. 

In all seriousness, I love them dearly and I know their “tudes” are partially attributed to the same feelings I have lately…..”I am just tired and done with this deployment.”  We will just stay the course and remain strong.  There is no other option and this is what we will do.  We had a great summer and as it comes to an end we know that starting school is yet another step towards having Major home.  So we welcome it.

I hope you all had a wonderful summer.

Rituals and Routines

Rituals and Routines.  We all have them, whether they are small or consuming.  Why do we have these?  Do they give us security because we face so much uncertainty?

My routines have been a sense of security for my family.  It gives us a “no questions asked” sense of knowing.  However, I have begun to ask myself….Can my routines become habits?  And when should old habits die?

My routine has gone through small adaptations here and there but overall it has consisted of Work M-F, kids go to daycare, I leave work, quickly pick up kids, get them fed, run an errand, class, or go to a kids activity, get home in time to shower and get ready for bed and do it all again. 

I have been going through this routine for the last eight months of deployment thinking that it will keep me moving and keep me sane…..I told myself, I will need this to survive.  I think it has helped me in many ways, but it has become a habit that has adapted into monotony. A habit that just keeps us alive and floating but not really living life even though Major is gone.  Don’t get me wrong, our routine has been needed and helpful and I am certain I will always have sort of routine.  However, as I am approaching the nine month mark I have realized that this routine is now a habit.

I decided to slow down a bit with my clinical internship hours.  I wish I could continue at the pace I have been going so I can finish but for us it is best right now.  This was not the prettiest of decisions for a driven and hard headed gal who has gone through two and half years of grad school, however, I want to make every effort not to robot through this year. (no worries, Im only taking one day off a week) Life goes on without Major for a while, but not mechanical.

Additionally, in keeping with the promise of a heartfelt honest blog, I must admit that as a military wife, there are fleeting moments where I feel as if I give up things for the military.  I sometimes feel guilty for having this feeling, but I had to remind myself….Of course I feel that way and why wouldn’t I considering the sacrifice we give. I don’t blame but I do give myself permission to have the frustration that change and waiting brings.

We miss Major so much.  I think a great comparison for this last part of the deployment is how I felt in my last trimester of pregnancy, by that time I was sick of it, wanted it done and tired.  That pretty much sums this up perfectly.  However, I will smile and drive on because that is what I do. 

Normals, new and old

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched.  They must be felt with the heart.  -Helen Keller

Normal is good.  I’m feeling normal.  I fear this feeling because I know it isn’t lasting.  In a little over four months our normal is going to be tossed around a bit. 

Sometimes I miss our Old Normal.  Only pieces of it though.  But always focusing on the journey ahead keeps my head up.   There are pieces of our New Normal that make everything easier to embrace.  New Normals always have challenges, new personal traits, learning experiences and spontaneity.

As a novice wife, I used to find the challenges such as new traits a source of contention.  However, with experience and time I have learned that if I always remember how we grow and mature through experiences as individuals it is only natural.  As a family, we can look at each other and realize that we are the same people, just with exciting new ways about us.

Do I miss anything?  I could probably think long enough and pity myself into missing certain prior emotional traits of Major, but that would be denying the trueness of our military livelihood.  It is who we are.  I suppose the one thing I truly miss and will always is not missing.

However, just like anything in life, if I focus on the not so pretty things, it WILL always be ugly.  So, I continue to make every attempt to find the pretty things in my life.

The beauty that the deployment has brought me thus far is coming almost halfway in my Master’s internship, a huge sense of accomplishment, independence, meeting of people I would have never met, the joy of seeing who really are friends and supports to me, and seeing how my children are the strongest people I will ever know.

Major has stayed busy since his return.  Having to fill in for #1 and be #2 has kept his mind focused and passed the time.  He continues to request shipment of his best friend Copenhagen and has new catch phrases for everything I say (“Do it for your country” and “if you don’t like terrorists, you would do it”) I laugh every time. 

Part Two: Returning to.......

I have this inner dialogue, how do I describe it?  How do I describe what I'm feeling now that

he is gone?  I feel like this posting is so abstract.  None the less, I know that I need to give my

words away.

I had to wake up Major Tuesday morning in order for him to get ready to leave.  I remember thinking how peculiar it was that “I” was waking him and telling him it was time to leave me.  I don’t want him to leave…..  I didn’t want to wake him……

I wondered to myself what he was thinking that morning as he was putting his uniform on again, after fourteen days of being without it.  He was quiet and swift and I knew he was switching gears and setting his mind to where it needed to be for him to finish this. 

The kids were troopers and did not shed a tear.  My mind worried that they are getting much too used to him leaving, but also know that they are so strong and courageous…..The kids asked a couple times throughout the day “Where’s daddy at?”  They had forgotten he was gone and thought he had just run an errand. 

The day he left I got home from the airport and for some unknown reason, reflected a lot about the questions he was asked when he was home.  Many people asked him….”what was it like over there?”  Some made general comments about “not knowing much was going on over there anymore.”  Of course, like many military families, we humbly report that things are fine and it’s just the way it is.  My thoughts on this ended up being saddened about how spoiled our society has become.  Are there really that many people out there who don’t realize what is going on overseas?  Do people go throughout the day without thinking at least once about people who serve for us?  Then I wondered, if people feel like in order to care about soldiers they must adhere to a certain platform or agree/disagree with the war.  However, I do know that the men and women serving directly affects each of us because they are our moms, dads, sisters, brothers, neighbors, friends……and they will permeate back into our communities when they finish their duty.  Their needs and givings are our responsibility as a community because we will all experience and/or feel the impact. 

I am not one to usually think this way and I questioned where all these thoughts came from.  I think I finally really absorbed what was going on around us when Major departed.  It was quiet and uneventful.  Just as he would have wanted it.  But behind that was a lull of avoidance and it was sad. 

Maybe this was a test in tolerance for me or a reminder of my pride, I'm not sure.  But I do know that I don’t want to ever “heal” from these feelings because they will drive me to remember.

Part One: Home

Two Part Blog......

Our two weeks with Major were awesome.  It took him four and half days to get home, so there was a bit more anticipation than we expected so we were on edge for a while.  There was a day and half we didn’t know where he was enroute, so we gauged and thought he would be hitting the states, of course when he was finally able to email us we found out that he was still grounded in Kuwait.  Ugh, I love you Army. 

Nonetheless he made it home.  Kids took off for him as they saw him exit the plane.  We weren’t inside the gate, so when they took off there was no stopping them….they got to him just outside the gate.  I remember Brock screaming for daddy as he ran and I noticed a gentleman jump because he didn’t realize what was happening.  Kinda funny. Both kids pummeled Major….It was an amazing embrace. 

Our fourteen days were filled with lots of activities.  Softball games (got to see 6 while home!), practices, dinners, get-togethers, and a mini-vacation. 

**Here is where I insert a lesson learned.  There has to be some sort of understanding ahead of time how your time will be spent.  Some may just want to do nothing and relax….mine does a lot of office time overseas so he wanted to “GO”  Admittedly, I didn’t really think it would be as jampacked as it was, but I had to consider the alternative.  Major didn’t want to sit at home too much because it makes leaving all the more difficult.  Also, staying home would have made it harder on us because we would have begun to sink into a “new normal” routine, only to have it ripped away.  So, I grinned and beared it.  This is the lesson…..Last deployment I would have most likely gotten a little pissy (“allegedly”) about being on the go so much....... by knowing this, I just let leave time roll and enjoyed it.   By doing this, I not only avoided dampening our time together but I also just let leave time be fun with no expectations for any of us.  Expectations such as different routine, switching parenting, etc….would have only confused the kids as soon as he left, but also made my “recovery” into single parenthood once he left harder as well.  This is just works for us.

Our mini vacation to Colorado was nice.  It gave us all time together away from everything and allowed us to feel no timelines.  It was a nice rejuvenation for us all. 

One of Majors loves is baseball so a close substitute is Syd’s softball stuff.  Major got to see six games and Syd’s pitching debut.  Syd decided this year that she wanted to be a pitcher.  So, knowing that she was about a year behind in experience, she vowed to be serious about it and work daily on her skills.  So, we discussed the work involved with her and got her a pitching coach.  This little booger has made me so proud with her dedication.  Knowing how dedicated she is to her daily chores I definitely thought it may pass, but it didnt.... She worked outside in the yard even after I am sweaty and tell her it’s too hot out, standing against the wall and do arm circles to ensure her arm stays close to her body, she also likes to drive me crazy and pitch a nerf ball downstairs against the door.  We all cant wait to see her growth over the winter. 

Another one of Major’s favorite things to do is play video games with Brock.  They both call it “relaxing”  So there was time for this as well.  Also, due to some “exposure therapy” (AKA:  Brock having to come along to Syd’s games) he has begun to show excitement and understanding about baseball, so nothing gave Major more joy than to work on Brock’s southpaw hit with him.  Of course, Brock continues to be our singing and dancing fool so Brock put on some great “shows” with Dance Central for Major and we laughed ourselves silly. 

We relaxed with our 83^rd street gang (neighbors) several evenings and Major discovered what going without a beer for six months feels like after only a couple. 

Major’s last night home was blissfully uneventful.  We all watched a movie and talked about next school year’s highlights that daddy would be home for.  We gave Brock an event mapping to remember for daddy’s return…..Fourth of July, School starts, Halloween, Thanksgiving….Daddy Home! 

Major was quiet his last night, but I knew he was letting go of feelings and switching back to his duty frame of mind.  I didn’t ask “what’s wrong” because I knew that his response would be “nothing” and to ask would only make his transition harder.  Besides, there was nothing “wrong” and this switch is mostly autopilot and Major may not even know he does it.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you…for the ability to spend time together as a family.  No matter how short, no matter how painful the return is……It was wonderful.