Rituals and Routines

Rituals and Routines.  We all have them, whether they are small or consuming.  Why do we have these?  Do they give us security because we face so much uncertainty?

My routines have been a sense of security for my family.  It gives us a “no questions asked” sense of knowing.  However, I have begun to ask myself….Can my routines become habits?  And when should old habits die?

My routine has gone through small adaptations here and there but overall it has consisted of Work M-F, kids go to daycare, I leave work, quickly pick up kids, get them fed, run an errand, class, or go to a kids activity, get home in time to shower and get ready for bed and do it all again. 

I have been going through this routine for the last eight months of deployment thinking that it will keep me moving and keep me sane…..I told myself, I will need this to survive.  I think it has helped me in many ways, but it has become a habit that has adapted into monotony. A habit that just keeps us alive and floating but not really living life even though Major is gone.  Don’t get me wrong, our routine has been needed and helpful and I am certain I will always have sort of routine.  However, as I am approaching the nine month mark I have realized that this routine is now a habit.

I decided to slow down a bit with my clinical internship hours.  I wish I could continue at the pace I have been going so I can finish but for us it is best right now.  This was not the prettiest of decisions for a driven and hard headed gal who has gone through two and half years of grad school, however, I want to make every effort not to robot through this year. (no worries, Im only taking one day off a week) Life goes on without Major for a while, but not mechanical.

Additionally, in keeping with the promise of a heartfelt honest blog, I must admit that as a military wife, there are fleeting moments where I feel as if I give up things for the military.  I sometimes feel guilty for having this feeling, but I had to remind myself….Of course I feel that way and why wouldn’t I considering the sacrifice we give. I don’t blame but I do give myself permission to have the frustration that change and waiting brings.

We miss Major so much.  I think a great comparison for this last part of the deployment is how I felt in my last trimester of pregnancy, by that time I was sick of it, wanted it done and tired.  That pretty much sums this up perfectly.  However, I will smile and drive on because that is what I do. 

Normals, new and old

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched.  They must be felt with the heart.  -Helen Keller

Normal is good.  I’m feeling normal.  I fear this feeling because I know it isn’t lasting.  In a little over four months our normal is going to be tossed around a bit. 

Sometimes I miss our Old Normal.  Only pieces of it though.  But always focusing on the journey ahead keeps my head up.   There are pieces of our New Normal that make everything easier to embrace.  New Normals always have challenges, new personal traits, learning experiences and spontaneity.

As a novice wife, I used to find the challenges such as new traits a source of contention.  However, with experience and time I have learned that if I always remember how we grow and mature through experiences as individuals it is only natural.  As a family, we can look at each other and realize that we are the same people, just with exciting new ways about us.

Do I miss anything?  I could probably think long enough and pity myself into missing certain prior emotional traits of Major, but that would be denying the trueness of our military livelihood.  It is who we are.  I suppose the one thing I truly miss and will always is not missing.

However, just like anything in life, if I focus on the not so pretty things, it WILL always be ugly.  So, I continue to make every attempt to find the pretty things in my life.

The beauty that the deployment has brought me thus far is coming almost halfway in my Master’s internship, a huge sense of accomplishment, independence, meeting of people I would have never met, the joy of seeing who really are friends and supports to me, and seeing how my children are the strongest people I will ever know.

Major has stayed busy since his return.  Having to fill in for #1 and be #2 has kept his mind focused and passed the time.  He continues to request shipment of his best friend Copenhagen and has new catch phrases for everything I say (“Do it for your country” and “if you don’t like terrorists, you would do it”) I laugh every time.