We are now down to a matter of weeks before Ry has his two week leave home. We are all excited and anxious about seeing each other again. There is a flood of emotions and thoughts that rush into my head. Many of these are just wonderful and anticipatory but some are anxious and cautious feelings. I remember our first deployment and how the cautious feelings made me feel like a horrible spouse because they seemed “wrong” for me to feel. But through experience and lessons learned I have found that even though some of the feelings are not the best they are none-the-less “normal” parts of separation and reintegration.
Brock has started a list of what he wants to “talk about” with daddy and Syd is excited for Ry to come to her softball games. I on the other hand have the cautious thoughts. Like preemptive strike planning. Will there be distance between us because we haven’t seen each other for so long? Will the kids feel at ease around him? Will he feel “at home?”……yea, maybe some of these things will be present, but it’s OK
With all this said, from experience, Ry and I have set four rules for leave that are paramount for us to have a good experience.
1. I will not hand over the parenting duties to Ry when he walks in the door. Let me just say that I would LOVE to do this. Say “here ya go” and take a break. I can get pretty sick of 7 and 10 year old talk. But I know that isn’t good for Ry, for me or for our children. You may ask why? Because....first and foremost our children are now used to a “normal” and that normal is mom handling the discipline, daily scheduling etc…and to change that for only two weeks would simply be unfair to them because they would have to just begin another adjustment process to only have him leave again. They have had enough changes.
For Ry…..well he is coming home for only a short time and he is in his “army mode” frame of mind.
This means, Ry is used to 24/7 giving orders, being in an authority position, nobody questioning him and people just doing what they are told. And let’s face it….a 7 and 10 year old will not do what you say and will question everything.
2. Take a “mini family getaway” during leave. We also have learned this through prior trials. Sometimes leave is so hard because two weeks is just long enough to start “feeling back at home” but then Ry has to leave again. Therefore, spending some time together, but being away from home is perfect. This allows for the much needed bonding together but in a way that Ry doesn’t “settle” back into home and make it much harder to leave again.
3. We set aside a specific time and length of visits with extended family. Of course extended family wants and should see Ry but at the appropriate time and length. This has been a very difficult thing because Ry is usually the one to not want visitors but sometimes I am the one to have to deliver the news. But, this is our time. Our leave is a chance for us to reconnect after a long absence and it sustains us for the remainder of the deployment. One of the best things we learned from deployements was to be selfish and ok with it.
4. And finally, as terrible as it sounds, we drop Ry off outside of the airport. We don’t sit in the airport with him for his two hour wait and add misery to the pending departure. We simply have learned that it is easier for all of us to say our goodbyes and not to draw it out. Ry is able to then focus his mind back to his mission after his leave (which most likely never left anyway) and the kids and I are able to immediately start healing again.
We are hoping these next few weeks fly by and our embrace comes fast. We know that our "rules" make our life and all it's unique challanges easier.
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