One was reading a blog of a friend and the other was beginning to deal with an unfortunate stage of this deployment, where I have to watch my children deal with separation in ways that are changing them....there is alot of talking about feelings at my house. There is a bit more acting out by the kids (I always remind myself when they act out that they are experiencing the hurt of separation in ways they haven't felt before and trying to find ways to channel those feelings). There is also a bit more sadness with the kids. It has been a hard couple weeks but I remind myself daily that these are the moments that define us.
Some days I am mad that I have to do this alone, but I have nobody to blame. Those days when nothing is going right and I am stressed out or those days where I simply want to sit up at night and talk to Ry.
Some days I am sad because I see the little struggles my kids are going through, but there is no quick fix. Days when I see my little boy break down because he misses his daddy and just wants mommy to call daddy but doesn't understand why we cant just call him.
And then there are some days when I am just relishing my new type of independence. Not the "I'm alone and can do whatever I want" independence. But the type of independent growth of a person...of the soul. I feel sometimes, in the depths of adversity, we choose to take out of it what we want. We can be a victim or we can choose to allow the process to transform us into a person who has learned about themselves.
In times of darkness, I try to think of some of my"Rays of Sunshine." Some of them are small, some are silly, and some are bright and beautiful in my life. I decided to share my "rays of sunshine" with you.
1. I simply LOVE naps. I can nap anywhere. As long as I can remember I have loved a good nap. Even when I have those naps where you wake up feeling groggier then when you layed down, I still love them. They seem to nourish me. Add in some clean, crisp sheets and I am in heaven.
2. I adore secretly watching my kids during moments in movies (sad or loving or happy moments) and see the emotion on their faces. My son is quite sentimental about things, contrary to his bruiser nature. There have been countless times when I have watched him and he is truly hit by the emotion of the moment. (although he gets SO mad if we notice it) When I watch my daughter, she doesn't realize she is sweetly smiling or giggling at scenes. I quietly watch her smile when she doesn't even know she is. Seeing them emote in real ways makes me smile.
3. The history and biography channel are an obsession of mine. I actually search the schedule each night for the next day so I can DVR any shows that I want to watch eventually. I usually watch something each night from these channels.
4. I love print. Magazines, newspapers...I find it hard to read the paper online, although I do on occasion. I would much rather hold the print in my hand. I don't know what it is. I'm not old fashioned but the pictures, stories and ideas I draw from seem more real if it is in my hands. I am the same about my calender. So many people use their phones for everything. I tried to use my phone calender for a while but have always gone back to my written calender. I don't have to worry about how many characters I can fit in, or limitations of pictures I want to doodle. Sometimes I even buy a new calender just to redo my calender into a fresh one.
5. Seeing my hard work as a parent pay off. I say to my kids every single day to be kind to others and to try and help somehow. They are still chewing on this and trying to decide what this will mean for them as adults, but when they say something or show little traits of service I simply swell with pride. Sydney often makes conclusions about people that make me proud. A few months ago she was telling me about a classmate of hers that is silly and acts crazy and other children aren't nice to sometimes...as she was describing this child Sydney said..."But mom, her heart is good."
Brock surprises me ALL the time. He can act like a rough and tough boy 99 percent of the time and can make you want to pull your hair out, but there is a subtle sweetness about him. This morning Brock told me he wanted to write some letters to people because others are mean. I asked Brock what he was talking about and he informed me that Mr. King (Martin Luther King Jr) wrote letters when people were not treated nice. He said that he needed to write letters so others would be treated nice. I L.O.V.E. I.T.
So, I guess we all have times in our lives when its dark and hard to handle. People you don't even know have those times. Think about your "rays of sunshine" in your life. Maybe you are someone's "ray" and dont even know it.
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