Faith...........

Yesterday, We were driving to Brock’s football game and Brock asked me if I remember what daddy looks like. I replied that I did and asked him if he remembered. Brock said he wasn’t sure. I reminded Brock that we keep pictures of daddy in the kitchen, living room and by his bed. Brock said “oh yea.” Funny, I know, but I knew he was leading into trying to tell me something. And then….Brock said “I know this is disappointing (he always tries to use big boy words) but sometimes I forget I have a daddy and that makes me sad because I don’t mean to”


Of course we shared a loving conversation where Brock heard me tell him that was nothing to be “disappointed” in and that daddy has been gone a very long time and that we had a “job” just like daddy had a job to do. Ours was to not sit and think about missing daddy every minute. Our job was to stay active and happy. He sighed and said he loved me.


I know it isn’t over yet, but what a year it has been so far. Our experience is unique because I feel like I have learned and lost so much. I learned that my feeling of loss was more of a “letting go with dignity.” I learned how to be more independent, face my fears and be more spontaneous.


We are stronger because of this deployment but that doesn’t take away from the pain we have had to endure. I chose to use my pain as a fuel this time.
I didn’t let anyone define who I was, what our experience was going to be like, or who I was going to be. Many people want our experience to be defined as horrible and tragic. It wasn't fun at tunes, but I knew it would be what I made it.
I allowed the process to happen and with the positive look that I tried (with all my might) to keep, I can honestly say that it has made me a better person. Such a hard experience turned out allowing me to see that positivity in life really can help keep a person glowing on the inside and not shut down. This experience changed me somehow. Something is different, I cant explain it very well. It’s not just a feeling but something a bit more solid. It tells me that things will be OK. It’s faith. Feeling this now, I'm not sure how true my feelings of faith were before, but its unmistakable now. I have faith in me, in my endurance and in my strength. I have faith in my love for my husband and family.
We have a jam packed couple months coming up before Major comes home. We have about 12 weeks. I cant believe it. Of course, this is proving to be such a slow moving time. It is time, time for us to have daddy, husband and family home again.