Rituals and Routines

Rituals and Routines.  We all have them, whether they are small or consuming.  Why do we have these?  Do they give us security because we face so much uncertainty?

My routines have been a sense of security for my family.  It gives us a “no questions asked” sense of knowing.  However, I have begun to ask myself….Can my routines become habits?  And when should old habits die?

My routine has gone through small adaptations here and there but overall it has consisted of Work M-F, kids go to daycare, I leave work, quickly pick up kids, get them fed, run an errand, class, or go to a kids activity, get home in time to shower and get ready for bed and do it all again. 

I have been going through this routine for the last eight months of deployment thinking that it will keep me moving and keep me sane…..I told myself, I will need this to survive.  I think it has helped me in many ways, but it has become a habit that has adapted into monotony. A habit that just keeps us alive and floating but not really living life even though Major is gone.  Don’t get me wrong, our routine has been needed and helpful and I am certain I will always have sort of routine.  However, as I am approaching the nine month mark I have realized that this routine is now a habit.

I decided to slow down a bit with my clinical internship hours.  I wish I could continue at the pace I have been going so I can finish but for us it is best right now.  This was not the prettiest of decisions for a driven and hard headed gal who has gone through two and half years of grad school, however, I want to make every effort not to robot through this year. (no worries, Im only taking one day off a week) Life goes on without Major for a while, but not mechanical.

Additionally, in keeping with the promise of a heartfelt honest blog, I must admit that as a military wife, there are fleeting moments where I feel as if I give up things for the military.  I sometimes feel guilty for having this feeling, but I had to remind myself….Of course I feel that way and why wouldn’t I considering the sacrifice we give. I don’t blame but I do give myself permission to have the frustration that change and waiting brings.

We miss Major so much.  I think a great comparison for this last part of the deployment is how I felt in my last trimester of pregnancy, by that time I was sick of it, wanted it done and tired.  That pretty much sums this up perfectly.  However, I will smile and drive on because that is what I do.