Part Two: Returning to.......

I have this inner dialogue, how do I describe it?  How do I describe what I'm feeling now that

he is gone?  I feel like this posting is so abstract.  None the less, I know that I need to give my

words away.

I had to wake up Major Tuesday morning in order for him to get ready to leave.  I remember thinking how peculiar it was that “I” was waking him and telling him it was time to leave me.  I don’t want him to leave…..  I didn’t want to wake him……

I wondered to myself what he was thinking that morning as he was putting his uniform on again, after fourteen days of being without it.  He was quiet and swift and I knew he was switching gears and setting his mind to where it needed to be for him to finish this. 

The kids were troopers and did not shed a tear.  My mind worried that they are getting much too used to him leaving, but also know that they are so strong and courageous…..The kids asked a couple times throughout the day “Where’s daddy at?”  They had forgotten he was gone and thought he had just run an errand. 

The day he left I got home from the airport and for some unknown reason, reflected a lot about the questions he was asked when he was home.  Many people asked him….”what was it like over there?”  Some made general comments about “not knowing much was going on over there anymore.”  Of course, like many military families, we humbly report that things are fine and it’s just the way it is.  My thoughts on this ended up being saddened about how spoiled our society has become.  Are there really that many people out there who don’t realize what is going on overseas?  Do people go throughout the day without thinking at least once about people who serve for us?  Then I wondered, if people feel like in order to care about soldiers they must adhere to a certain platform or agree/disagree with the war.  However, I do know that the men and women serving directly affects each of us because they are our moms, dads, sisters, brothers, neighbors, friends……and they will permeate back into our communities when they finish their duty.  Their needs and givings are our responsibility as a community because we will all experience and/or feel the impact. 

I am not one to usually think this way and I questioned where all these thoughts came from.  I think I finally really absorbed what was going on around us when Major departed.  It was quiet and uneventful.  Just as he would have wanted it.  But behind that was a lull of avoidance and it was sad. 

Maybe this was a test in tolerance for me or a reminder of my pride, I'm not sure.  But I do know that I don’t want to ever “heal” from these feelings because they will drive me to remember.