We May Not Have It All Together, But Together We Have It All.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Darkness or Light?

Ruin and Recovery are both from within.

 I choose to remain positive and overcome the fails of absence.  My other option is to fall into negativity and allow darkness to shadow everything.  The choice is clear.

What a couple weeks I have had.  They certainly tested my strength and resolve.  A family member became very ill from his struggle with the demons of addiction. I was determined to support him in his positive decisions while juggling life without Major. This proved to be harder than I thought because managing life without my loved one, I realized how much harder it is to give out what you don’t get fully replenished inward.  However, the reward certainly outweighed the struggle.    

I work everyday with addicts and have been in school for the last three years for addiction, but let me tell you, there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for the time it hits home and becomes personal.  You feel with your heart and it hurts. 

I ran across this quote this week and it spoke to me.  I don't know who wrote it or where it is from, but it means so much to me this week.  I think this quote can apply to all of us in one way or another with our everyday lives.

"The darkest moments of our lives are not to be buried and forgotten, rather they are a memory to be called upon for inspiration to remind us of the unrelenting human spirit and our capacity to overcome the intolerable."

I took this and thought about it in all different aspects of my life. It can be interpreted many different ways.  I hope you are inspired by this in your own way.
When there are sad times, or hard times in our lives, we don’t want to pretend they didn’t happen or look at them negatively.  Instead, we need to try to remember we are given these times in our life for a reason.  Sometimes that reason is blurred and sometimes it will always be hidden…but there is a reason.  So the next time we face a challenge we can look back and remember how strong we really are.  We can hold onto that internal strength we know we have and keep faith that we will get through it.  Even when times seem helpless and dark, we can recall the times we have gotten through before and know we can do it again. 

We have about 25 days till Major returns home.  I look back and cannot believe he has been gone for a year.  Sometimes I amaze myself that I have almost done this all the way through without going crazy.  I have learned a few key reasons as to why I got through this with grace.  I cant wait to finish that blog and share it with you all!

Monday, October 10, 2011

Fear of the unknown.........

Sometimes I wish I were fearless.  If I were fearless then the changes that we are facing would not seem so big.  Being fearless could mean less thinking.  I am not fearless.  Instead I cherish my worry and know that it is a safe thing to have. I know deep down that my worry is a responsible and strong trait.  

Major returns in six weeks.  Everyone’s initial response is Always, YEA, that’s so exciting!! And it is…trust me; I am SO happy that he will return.    However, what many don’t understand or think about is that it is also scary.  Not scary in the BOO factor, but scary because we (as military wives) have to admit to ourselves that excitement and happiness are not the only emotions we feel about the return.  We don’t want to admit it but we feel almost an equal amount of fear and anxiousness.  We don’t want to let on to this because we don’t want to be viewed as unthankful or not excited for our spouses. 
We simply think.

Who will you be?  Will you be calloused by your days?….will you be distant?  Will the miles actually translate into a loss of connection?  Will I be afraid, afraid of your eyes?


I have fears of what life will look like. 
I have a system, a structure that I have built over the last year that has worked well for us three since Major left.  It runs smoothly and it keeps us busy.  I have control of this system and to simply give away half of that is a really hard thing to do. Of course, it is nobody’s fault.  It is simply how it is. 
 
Now the task of a new routine will have to emerge.  More trials, more errors.
And, of course, the last thing Major (and most men I know) wants is to not be needed or not receive his half back.  And to his credit he should.  I find comfort in the fact that many military spouses right now are grinning and nodding as they read this because they understand.
So, how can we turn this into a good thing?  Strength and Positivity are key here. 
I feel the solution lies in how we choose to look at things.  We are in charge of our own feelings.  We are the only ones who can make ourselves feel better or worse.  Even in the midst of a tragedy, it isn’t that “things” fault we feel as we do.  I will not give the power of my own feelings to a situation.  Therefore, patience and flexibility will become primary.