We May Not Have It All Together, But Together We Have It All.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Faith...........


Yesterday, We were driving to Brock’s football game and Brock asked me if I remember what daddy looks like. I replied that I did and asked him if he remembered. Brock said he wasn’t sure. I reminded Brock that we keep pictures of daddy in the kitchen, living room and by his bed. Brock said “oh yea.” Funny, I know, but I knew he was leading into trying to tell me something. And then….Brock said “I know this is disappointing (he always tries to use big boy words) but sometimes I forget I have a daddy and that makes me sad because I don’t mean to”


Of course we shared a loving conversation where Brock heard me tell him that was nothing to be “disappointed” in and that daddy has been gone a very long time and that we had a “job” just like daddy had a job to do. Ours was to not sit and think about missing daddy every minute. Our job was to stay active and happy. He sighed and said he loved me.


I know it isn’t over yet, but what a year it has been so far. Our experience is unique because I feel like I have learned and lost so much. I learned that my feeling of loss was more of a “letting go with dignity.” I learned how to be more independent, face my fears and be more spontaneous.


We are stronger because of this deployment but that doesn’t take away from the pain we have had to endure. I chose to use my pain as a fuel this time.
I didn’t let anyone define who I was, what our experience was going to be like, or who I was going to be. Many people want our experience to be defined as horrible and tragic. It wasn't fun at tunes, but I knew it would be what I made it.
I allowed the process to happen and with the positive look that I tried (with all my might) to keep, I can honestly say that it has made me a better person. Such a hard experience turned out allowing me to see that positivity in life really can help keep a person glowing on the inside and not shut down. This experience changed me somehow. Something is different, I cant explain it very well. It’s not just a feeling but something a bit more solid. It tells me that things will be OK. It’s faith. Feeling this now, I'm not sure how true my feelings of faith were before, but its unmistakable now. I have faith in me, in my endurance and in my strength. I have faith in my love for my husband and family.
We have a jam packed couple months coming up before Major comes home. We have about 12 weeks. I cant believe it. Of course, this is proving to be such a slow moving time. It is time, time for us to have daddy, husband and family home again.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Heros and Villains

I got home from work today and as I was finishing up answering some emails I noticed how enthralled my son was playing with his super hero figures on the floor next to me.  I felt so happy inside.  I shut my computer and quietly sat and watched him play for the longest time. 

You see, there was an epic battle underway between the villains and heroes.  Brock would periodically smile when a villain would fall and the hero numbers grew stronger.  I asked Brock “who was winning” and he looked up at me with an innocently straight forward answer he said, “The good guys, of course.”  I thought about how differently we can all see the world and even more, how blessed I am to have a son who, through all his trials and separation, STILL believes and knows that the “good guys” will always win.

There are still good guys in the world.  Sometimes it can get so hard to remember how full your glass really is or remember in your heart that the “good guys” are still winning.  There is horrible news, sadness, loss…so many “villains” out there.  And sometimes, we can all get lost in the villains and forget to see that there are so many more heroes out there.

The heroes bring us joy and a sense of security and happiness.  I am happy today because I see how even though the villain of war took Brock’s daddy from him for a year, our devotion to install in our children the “good guy” stuff has served him well.  He knows that through the hard times and challenges, is how the good guys win.  We are so proud of our good guy and can’t wait to see him again.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

sibling love

Sibling Love....seems not so lovely when Major is gone.

I have mixed feelings about summer being over.  On one hand I wish we could have more summer time together and then on the other I am completely ready for the boogers to get back in school….ok, who am I kidding.  I'm totally ready for school.  There has been several coup attempts at my house in the past couple weeks and as the last week of summer approaches the kids have decided to “see how crappy they can be to each other.”

For example:  yesterday, my wonderful daughter goes right up to her brother’s face and sprayed it with water.  (Ok, kinda funny one time…) but the problem was that she was told to stop it and put the bottle away and instead she chose to hide the bottle in a handy cache and periodically, throughout the day (when mom wasn’t around) spray him in the face at point blank range. 

Of course, she wasn’t alone, my sensitive son decided that a full body tackle would be a great get back. (secretly couldn’t blame him after too many nasal enemas) After I mustered up my best mean mom face and voice, they fell victim to their hearing problems again.   

I imagine my children’s inner monologues and have decided that Syd is a “16 year old, valley girl voice, who sneaks out every night because her mother knows nothing.  She has the deep sigh of agony every 10-15 seconds”……and Brock, well, without question “has the voice of Stewie and yes, is plotting to work at me until I die of anxiety or heartattack”. 

In all seriousness, I love them dearly and I know their “tudes” are partially attributed to the same feelings I have lately…..”I am just tired and done with this deployment.”  We will just stay the course and remain strong.  There is no other option and this is what we will do.  We had a great summer and as it comes to an end we know that starting school is yet another step towards having Major home.  So we welcome it.

I hope you all had a wonderful summer.